A poem about me .......July 8th

I just wanted to share something with everyone that I received the other day. It is from Megan she works at the store for us, we found her back in November, by chance when we had just put up a part time help wanted sign, she came in with her mom BonBon filled out an application I had her come back to interview & felt like I was looking at myself at 19 years old. Aside from the fact that she is a redhead with blue eyes one of the only Irish girls in Hammonton. But her personality is amazing. If I asked in the ad for a reliable, experienced, nice, customer service oriented, funny, & an amazing person in general Megan would be it. Little did  know she could write as well. She sent me a card and this is what she wrote......
This is what I know about Toni........
You are strong, But pretty, elegant and feminine.
You are bright,with one of the biggest smiles I've ever seen when you laugh.
and your laugh is loud and large like your love for life
You're fun and bring adventure and fearlessness into any room.
Your unexpected-a big personality in a tiny package.
Your self-esteem makes us jealous, and your self -confidence soars.
you kick butt and don't take crap, but with integrity and grace.
You never stop at "no" you see a goal and don't stop until its reached .
You lead your life to take you where you want to go.
Anyone who knows you even as little as I do, has no doubt about your strength.
All these thing are why i know you will persevere.....theres not a fraction of doubt in my mind.- Megan
OK I'm crying again as I write it for you all to read.
Thank You Megs, You truly are a godsend. love you.

xoxo

Post Op.........July 7th

Yesterday started out pretty good, woke up about 9. Paul & Joe decided to go on a speed fishing trip. My Dr's appointments were at 1:20, & 2:30. It was 9:30 if they left then & got back by 12:00 they would have
2 1/2 hours to catch striper. At 5 till noon Joe texts they are on they're way back. Caught the limit & headed in.
We head to the hospital for the appointment's, they are running behind. That happens, but I'm tired I really just want to sleep.
Mom decided she wanted to bring pizelles to all the Dr's & Nurses who have helped me. (food over compensation) So while waiting we go in & see Mary Capano the nurse navigator who got me my first appointment. She is thrilled, we tell her to share with the rest of the staff.
I'm called in and see Dr.T ( Dr. soothing voice) first, he is really nice he hugs me, shakes mom & Joe's hands thanks her for the cookies, We tell him he has his own batch. "Oh man I don't need anymore do you see this roll already?" but thank you & he takes them anyway.
Then he proceeds to tell me what he did & what he knows so far...........
So he removed the area behind the nipple to as close as he could get it, to keep the nipple intact. He did the same thing with the area by the tumor, as close to the epidermis as he could get (that's the outer skin), but so as to not harm the outer skin. That will all be tested. If it comes back that, any of those areas are cancerous ( which he knocked on wood, even though it was Formica not wood I'LL TAKE IT) he has had it happen once & they went back in and removed the nipple, that could be my option or he could go in and scrape out more tissue. He knocks again on Formica & said he has NEVER had anyone come back with cancer cells in that area. Now the optimist in me says NEVER is good, The pessimist in me says so far the never say never statement in the beginning went against me as did the 10% chance of having the BRACA1 gene.
So needless to say I am not holding my breath.
Then this is when my day stared to suck! He removed some lymph nodes, I knew he was going to, they said they knew at least 1 was cancerous, he originally thought he'd take about 6. Well he took 12 turns out once he got in there, he found more nodes that looked bad. Awesome!
When i went into this I was thinking maybe some chemo & a little radiation. But now not so much.
He doesn't have the pathology reports back yet, there is nothing to be alarmed about, this is just Hopkins, Its not a bad thing, its because its a teaching hospital, so everyone, & I mean everyone, from the lab to the attending to the fellowships all want to take a look and get the best results possible. He stopped apologising for this a long time ago. So he doesn't have written results meaning he won't commit to the level of cancer I have. I can find that out for sure on Monday.
He looks at my boob, comments on how good it looks & what a great surgeon I must have had. I laugh but all I want to do is cry.
He thanks mom again for the cookies shakes hands, hugs me & sends in his assistant to set up appointments with the radiologist & oncologist.
Now hes gone & I lose it....yup I cry, not sure how I'm supposed to feel this sucks, if i would stop looking at the glass as half full then maybe i would be so disappointed when its not.
Now its the nurse practitioner for the plastic surgeon. Laura. She comes in looks at my boob, everything looks good, the one drain is really slow so she can take it out. Yay, that's one down. she is leaving the other one in it will absorb any excess from the other one too. She isn't filling the expander anymore yet, I have a small area on the bottom of the incision that looks like a bruise or maybe a blister, if she fills the expander it will separate that area from getting more blood flow & she doesn't want that to happen. So come back next week, maybe take out the other drain and fill me up some more.
I'm still optimistic just bummed, I'll get over it I'm sure by the beginning of next week, thought maybe getting out would help, went to walmart for a bit to get new bras bought the wrong size sports bra & jersey shorts comfy things to sit around in. But that only tired me out.
I have my appointment's all set up for next week, Wed. July 13th. exactly 2 months since being diagnosed i will meet with the Nurse practitioner again, the radiologist & the oncologist.
They will be giving me their opinion on my treatment, But treatment will be being done here in NJ, I have a radiologist, but am still looking for an oncologist if anyone has any suggestions I'll take them.
xoxo

Saying The Words CANCER......July 5th

Its kind of odd as I sit here healing from the breast surgery, I'm watching TV & the Price Is Right is on, the new one with Drew Carey, & a women wins to be the next contestant to come on down & she has a    Drew Got Us Though T-shirt  on with the breast cancer ribbon on it. He says oh look Its our BC t-shirt she says yup & you helped get me though it. That's when I realized wow that's me too.
I guess because its not a fast moving cancer & I could take my time on making the decision what my next step is. I never really felt like I was that person. But reality is I am. Don't go getting upset reading this I'm still being positive & I know I AM going to beat this. Its just an odd feeling that I am labeled as a person with breast cancer & eventually will be known as a survivor.
To top off everything that is happening to me, on Monday June 27th the day before we leave to go to MD, Joe came home from work that day with out a job! Yes they are restructuring and decided to let 8 people go. Joe being one of them. Yes 2 days before his fiance has breast surgery. I was a bit pissed off at god when he told me, & A good friend Steph D. had said to me a while ago that "god doesn't give you anything you can't handle" She just wished he would start to pick on a different family. I have to agree with that. But  then I was reminded of another cliche " everything happens for a reason" & this is true too, If he were still working for PHS he wouldn't be able to be home taking care of me. I can't begin to tell you how awesome he is, I don't know how I could love him anymore then I already did, but I do.
So anyone who knows of a job send it his way.
He's a horticulturist by trade, but decided he could captain a boat & fish all summer too.
Seeing the Doc's on Thursday 7-7. Will let you all know what the next step is.
xoxo

First night in the hospital.........June 29th

My first night in the hospital was interesting. As to be expected I was out of it, got to the room about 10pm  my nurse was Sabrina she was awesome. Aside from the fact that I had no idea that when you leave recovery you don't get anymore pain meds then the pump, until they put you on oral meds. Now that sucked. Yes I was in pain, they just removed a boob for crying out loud. & i WAS! Crying out loud. This was my first hospital stay besides when I had zackary 19 years ago.
Now I understand why people say you don't get to sleep or relax in the hospital. They really do wake you up every 3 hours.
So first in at about 10:30, Dr. A I can't remember his name it was a really long Italian name he was an associate of Dr.Tsangaris, but I nick named him Dr. Mchottie! Joe went down to the family lounge to get a bottled water (in the Marburg area they give you free, Fuji, Perrier, juices etc. ) So Joe was loading up. He came back in just as Dr. Mchottie was leaving. But i did tell him I was sorry but that Dr. was soooo hot & I needed to tell someone.
I finally get to sleep & they came in to take blood? really 3am You need to do this? 5am I wake up, to the next set of associates doing rounds. Now its Dr. Sacks associates. Dr Fine....oh & he was!
Everyone of course needs to check out the boob. I get to see it for the first time, & WOW its still me, I can not believe how good it looks. They kept my nipple and have filled it only with 22cc of fluid so far, but it will keep getting filled when I go back for my post op visits.
I wake up at 7:30 am now and feel pretty good still, I call Jessica because I know she has driven my mom crazy & just really wants to hear my voice that I am OK, even though mom has said I was fine, she is always the Attorney & wouldn't believe it until she hears it herself. I do great, get up out of bed to use the bathroom myself & everything.
Then theres a knock on the door, Hi its room service, yes room service, she comes in & takes my order. Now I only get clear liquids but she did give me some pretty good options.
Now the rough part begins, about 8 am my IV starts to beep, and I'm in A LOT of pain! When I fell asleep I wasn't pushing the pain mends button in time so my pain caught up to me. Now I'm crying & choking in comes my new nurse Candy (striper). First she starts by trying to sit me up by my right arm. Ah hello I had surgery on my right side. Then I get in the bathroom & she needs to take a call she'll be back for me in 5 minutes. Oh no I am not sitting on the toilet for 5 mins. So in comes an intern she goes to help me up by the right side too. I say WTF! Mind you there's a sign over my bed that says NO right side procedures.
Finally I get in a seated position and mom helps me sip my veggie broth with a straw.
Now they start to give me pain pills orally ahhhhh relief.
There was another small incident where we realized that my IV was no longer in correctly so when I was given Valium intravenously it felt like my hand was on fire! It was supposedly because I had small veins. Ah yea then I get an IV of pain meds, this too feels like my hand is on fire.
Not good, I am not happy, they decide to keep me for an extra day, because the pain is not under control.
I start to feel better & decide to take a walk & I get to sit out on the veranda. YAY.....I'm outside.
Ahh fresh air.
As it turns out in the middle of the night again I'm woken up, its a new nurse Amalia, she starts to flush out my IV to give me meds I tell her it hurts & I feel it. She looks & says its not in correct anymore. So she called to have my IV changed out. Then they give me the meds after its changed & I feel nothing. Oh Thank you no more pain!!!!
I'm sent home later that day. With parting gifts, A TY teddy bear, slipper socks the good kind, a pink JHH travel mug, Belgium chocolates, shell gas cards & a parking voucher (it was more like a hotel stay) I asked if they could hold my room for my return next year?? ...not a great ride home 3 hours in the car after surgery not a good idea.
But I am home now its been 5 days since surgery & I feel really good.
July 7th are all my Post Op appointments. I'll have the Pathology reports back & they'll let me know what the next step is.
Thanks again for all the prayers, thoughts , texts & messages they mean so much.
xoxo
 Dr,Tsangaris OR Dr. comfort voice

                                                                Dr.Fine & he is                                  

Me on the Veranda with the special robe they give you.

Room with a view

Dr. Sacks the boob man

Pre & Post Surgery.........June 29th

Lets play catch up..... We know I have the BRACA1 gene, I've decided to have a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy & eventually will have the ovaries removed.
I spoke with a few different women to get an idea of what to expect. Taking into consideration that everyones situation is different & everyones pain tolerance is different.
Here is what I had done.....On the 29th they took the right breast only, why? because they only take the breast that has the tumor first, put in an expander to start to shape the breast while I undergo the rest of my treatments. It best to use my skin and my fat to keep it from becoming messed up during radiation especially.
After I get done all treatments approximately 1 year from now, I will have reconstruction and have the other breast removed and reconstructed as well. Depending on my level of fat on the tummy or the butt after all is said & done will depend on where they take it from or if they add implants too.
I head into the pre-op prep area & they start to get me ready.
After about 1/2 hour they let the family come back, Joe, Mom, Paul & Stephanie are all there.
Dr.Tsangaris(dr.soothing voice) comes in first, he has a question am I doing the nipple sparing? What,  that's an option? Yes because my tumor is so high up on my chest he can save my nipple and I will not have to have a nipple re-build or a tattoo to get the nipple back! Ye haw, damn Skippy I want you to keep my nipple.
Then he signs my boob. This is so they remove the correct one.
Next Dr. Sacks comes in, we talk about what he will be doing then we talk about what approximate size he will be making me. We debate again on the B - C cup.
He signs my boob too. Then tells the family that when they see him, my surgery is done & I am in recovery.
Surgery is about 4 hours took a bit longer because they saved my nipple.
I'm in recovery for longer then normal, I didn't handle the anesthesia to well & kept getting sick. Even got sick when Paul was in there typing up the blog update & my brother wiped vomit from my chin. (just like he used to do when I was 18). Only it was for a different reason. :)
They finally tell me they are moving me to a room, my nurse Michelle comes in & says they're bringing you to the Marburg Pavilion. That's the hospital suite rooms. I have no idea what she is talking about.
An orderly is wheeling me out & says wow the Marburg Pavilion, nice they're Fancy shmancy. That's were they put all the Kings,sheik's,princesses etc. So i say Yup that's me I'm Princess of Monaco, the Family. ( Grandmom Peditto's Maiden name). He just thinks I'm high & has no idea what I'm talking about.
More to come  & more about my stay tomorrow.
xoxo

                                              Paul Sleeping while I'm in surgery

                                            Name Plate on my room

                                           The room Joe could stay cause it was private

                                           The family waiting for me to come up on the veranda outside my room

Crabs, Gravy, Striper, Pizzelles & Padre Pio........June 28th

Still updating backwards, I keep having to take breaks these pills are knocking me out.
On the Saturday before surgery I headed to the shore to find out that Joe decided to make me one of my most favorite meals, Crabs & Macaroni. ( If you've never had it you need to!). What a fun night, His sister Michele is in town from Colorado, Brother Chuck came down with Marco, Joe's cousins Rob & Steph came with their kids Mia & Antonio. There was so much food, Chuck made one of my favorite appetizers Tapenade ( eggplant pepper tomato & onion mixture) you eat it on crusty Italian bread. Yum! We had lots of wine lots of food & lots of laughs, oh & the kids decided that the living room was going to become romp a room. When the adults are drunk why not. I attached a picture of one of the crabs they were huge!
Then on Tuesday Paul & his buddy Charlie took me, Mom & Joe fishing( its my last fishing trip for a long while). I caught the 1st fish, my line was in the water for 15 seconds. ( no Lie). It was such a great day on the bay, we caught 10 fish (that's the limit) in less then 2 hours. Charlie & I decided it was because he had his lucky Hawk Talon with him. Then Charlie gave me the Hawk Talon to take with me for my surgery for added luck. It was in the hospital with us, but unfortunately because of sanitary reason it didn't come into the operating room with me.
Then mom pulls out this card on our way down its of Padre Pio's hand with the stigmata on it. A player of hers who had a brain tumor 10 years ago, went to the Padre Pio shrine in PA, where they let you touch his Shaw & other relics that he wore. They gave him this card & it has a piece of the cloth on the back the card is laminated & has a saying in Italian ( i don't know what it says, need to look that up). The man told my mom when he went in for his brain surgery he had them tape it to his pillow. He wanted me to do the same thing.
So while I was waiting for them to take me in I had it in my hand, in comes the anesthesiologist Dr. Lee he was very funny, he sort of looked like uncle Benny from the lethal weapon movies, & i think he dips into the happy juice a little himself (That's what he called it). He asked whens the last time you've eaten anything I say about 9:00 last night, oh you must be hungry? He sees me holding the card & says whats that, I tell him its my Padre Pio card, can I bring it in to surgery with me? Dr. Lee said he will definitely put it somewhere. Turns out he taped it to my forearm, I Truly believe having The Padre with me was a good thing.
And lastly does anyone have the answer for Pizzelles protocol? Whom would you say you would give a tray of pizzelles cookies to after you've had surgery?
Apparently that seemed to be the big debate while I was under. You see my mom made pizzelles to give to the nurses who were going to take care of me, ( as I've said before mom copes by cooking). So after the cookies have traveled from NJ to MD, brought into the hospital, put back in the car the back in the hospital again then ended up at the nurses station where my room was.
More to come in a bit. I'm sleepy & the pills are kicking in again.
xoxo

                                                      Giant Crab in gravy

                                                        Padre Pio

                                             10 Striper fish

                                             Pizzelles before surgery

Bye Bye Bubbie Send off....June 27th

I know this post is going backwards in time, but i never got to tell you all about what the amazing people around me did for me before I went for my surgery.
I have this great group of friends from Hammonton, they are all new friends but I feel like I have known them forever.
Colleen who calls me sidekick ( even though she is 5'11''long black hair, & I'm 5'3''with short black hair) decided that when I was going to be in surgery she wanted everyone to wear Pink, and then decided she wanted to have my friends from town celebrate with me, she & Megan (Megan works at the store) went & decorated the window in all pink, had everyone bring things to eat that were all shades of pink & colleen even baked cupcakes that had pink icing on them ( she doesn't bake). Her husband Anthony wore a pink fuzzy hat & her 2 boys Little Ant & Moe had pink shirts on them with the Breast Cancer ribbon. I can not tell you how touched i was.
Thank You Colleen, Anthony, Little Ant, Moe, Megan, Mom, Linda, Jeanine, Debbie, Gina, Gabe, Lisa Jo, Joanne, Karlee, Susie,Dawn & Kerry. They gave me these cool pink boxing gloves that say fight like a girl. I'll attach pictures at the bottom. I know this is not the most coherent writing but I just took a pill, & I'm trying to catch up on my writing.

Also pictures of my Niece & Nephew Kati & Nick what they did on the surgery day. Yes nick painted his finger nails pink.
xoxo